Some mornings I can feel them in the empty bed beside me breathing down my neck and whispering sour slander into my ear. Some days they bring the Big Bad Wolf who reminds me that no one will ever love me because my fat old lady legs follow me wherever I go. He curls his lip and reminds me to look in the mirror at the wacko who thinks she can heal people.
I am afraid they are right. What if my old lady legs truly cannot transform into the strong determined legs that carried my children throughout the night. What if the same legs that once sailed over hurdles and won track meets cannot endure 30 minutes on the tread mill today? What if they don’t even want to get out of bed or down the stairs to the painful peaceful quite of the exercise room? How can I help people understand the unlimited possibility of their potential for healing and transformation?
They know my inner most fears and use them against me each day of the week and month or year. They remind me that if I was the good girl, the compliant daughter or the obedient wife I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess of life. 20 of them swing from branches through each and every day. How can I possibility face today when they are always out of their cage and messing with my mind?
I have three choices in this moment: fight, flight or freeze. But, wait! This is not an actual emergency. This is simply the monkeys in my mind. More than one has crawled beneath the covers this morning and if I stay in bed they will taunt me. One deep breath and the count down begins. Five, four three, two, one and I launch my butt out of bed. Into the kitchen my feet carry me as my eyes focus on the clock above the stove burners. It is 5:10 and today is going to be a good day because I woke up before my alarm. I breath deep, close my eyes and raise my arms above my head . I exhale and allow my shoulders blades to relax; I lift my chin from my chest; relax my jaw and focus my gaze on the beautiful black abyss before me.
I see before me my tribe. Patti is nodding in agreement for her fears and my fears are kissing cousins from one, two, seven and twenty generations ago. Laura-lee is determined to find the tools necessary to fight the battle she knows each day. Gigi’s eyes are closed and she is focusing on her breath.
I am reminded that I am succeeding and that I have succeeded in absolutely everything I have done. I have succeeded in struggling to pay my bills. I have succeeded in feeding my children when my bank account was terrifyingly low or empty. I have made ends meet and met many challenges along the path to where I am today. Today I am here and I am ready to focus on the directions of my dreams and face each monkey and mountain. I can do this. I am doing this.
I lower my arms and feel the faithful ground beneath me. Gravity is grace and I am grateful for it always keeps me grounded to Gaia. I am not alone.
I know beyond the shadows of my doubts that 20 years from now I will be more disappointed by the things I didn’t do than the one’s I did. My tombstone will not read, “Here lies regret and buried dreams.”
