The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I was the definition of insanity in my depression. I lived a life of lies and kept on hoping that no one knew. The IRONY of the insanity was that I believed that people actually believed me.
Photo credit — Owl Eye Photography
I was completely immersed in my depression.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. These words are usually credited to the acclaimed genius Albert Einstein. I was the definition of insanity in my depression. I lived a life of lies and kept on hoping that no one knew. The IRONY of the insanity was that I believed that people actually believed me.
I had absolutely no idea that DESPAIR, GUILT, ABANDONED, LONELY, IGNORED, EMPTY, APATHETIC, INDIFFERENT, ISOLATED and ASHAMED were DEPRESSION’S SISTERS FROM ANOTHER MISTER.
I placed all of my hope in a relationship that became my nightmare. To name the day my depression began is impossible. I closed a blind eye to the impossible situation of my marriage. I became an academy award winning actress. I was filled with SHAME each and every waking moment. I was too busy keeping face amid the overwhelming responsibility of raising five children while managing a constantly flailing business. I was proud that I could keep it all together.
I didn’t realize that my lies were my downfall. I didn’t see my depression as each year grew into decades. I failed to tell anyone and grew deeper into my sadness. I hid behind the facade of a good mother, good wife and GREAT CODEPENDENT.
Keeping it all together was impossible and I fell into a slump of APATHY. I became INDIFFERENT to my life and accepted my doomed fate. I planned on creating a new life when my youngest child, Emily Joy, graduated from high school in 2019.
I never saw the day Emily graduated from high school.
My daughter Emily Joy was killed in a tragic water accident in 2011 when she was 10 years old.
It was her death that propelled me deeper into a sadness that I had been lying about for over 20 years. Because her brother survived the accident, I was able to avoid the grief of her death for the next 9 months as I focused on his recovery.
Accepting the word “depression” was something that took me 9 years to accept as I healed from a deep, deep sadness.
There is a mark of disgrace associated with depression that many of us are unwilling to be saddled with. Depression is a heavy word that I just wasn’t willing to carry.
When I first crawled out from my sadness I was exponentially ANGRY. I was HURT, FRUSTRATED, and IRRITATED. I was DEVASTATED and RESENTFUL because I had sacrificed my dreams. I had a suitcase full of Abandoned Dreams and a closet full of SHAME.
Years of abuse left me feeling REJECTED, SUBMISSIVE, INSECURE, ALIENATED and WORTHLESS.
I learned to listen to my your heart. I learned to quite the worry and anxiety and face all of my demons.
I became a certified yoga and meditation instructor and then discovered the beautiful world of Bach Flower Essences.
I began to feel good and then great and I wanted everyone to experience the Joy I had discovered. JOY was the legacy I wanted to create and I was DETERMINED to help as many people as I could.
I began with family and friends and then they began to recommend their family and friends.
SRT Spiritual Response Therapy came next which helped me heal at a deep soul level both on this lifetime and past lives.
Reiki came next as I learned to connect with the incredible world of angels and ascended masters.
I began to immerse myself in the blessed world of Tarot and developed my mediumship skills. My clairvoyance was a magical mixture of clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience — see, hear and smell — and I became enthralled with essential oils.
Here I am now embracing all of my learning and continuing more. It is a place where I am blessed with an amazing life and grateful for all that I have.
It’s a good day!
