Fear is my constant companion. She warns me that I’m going to get old, fat and ugly. She taunts and torments me around the dark bends. When the forest is dark and I am afraid she swings from the branches and reminds me that I have failed. Boom! She drops grenades and terrifies me. She is a monkey called scarcity. She reminds me that there’s not much time. She enforces the fact that I’m behind on my work. It’s all because of her and it’s her fault. If it wasn’t for her I would have completed my website and launched last week like I should have. She is a shit storm of should have, could have and did not.
So, I reach into my handy-dandy backpack. Butt the cigarette I am still smoking as she reminds me I said I was gonna quit yesterday. I have tools. First, I take a lozenger and pop it into my mouth to soothe my throat and feed my body what it needs instead of what my mind craves. Second, I reach for an attitude. An attitude of gratitude for all things I have. Nevertheless I am willing to begin my mental list. A magical powerful list of the things that I have.
I begin by listing the people who remind me of all I have accomplished, of all the places I have been been, and all the battles I have won. My son Jarett is on this list. He is far away now. Miles and mountains separate us. I miss him every day. I miss his physical presence and I can feel his arms wrapped around me now. I list my son Chance who is on the other side of the same mountain range. I list my son Joshua too and smile. I am blessed with sons who share my triumph and my sorrows. Whose arms wrap magically around me now as I struggle to begin the big climb of today. I feel the same arms that wrapped around me during my difficult dark days. Days when I did not want to get out of bed. There were many of these days along time ago when grief rapped her hands around my throat. Days when I blamed myself for my daughters death. Days when I knew it was it wasn’t my fault, or his fault, or his father‘s fault, or the boat drivers fault. Days when vengeance was stronger than forgiveness. Days when footsteps were not seen in the sand. Days when I couldn’t feel the presence of the Lord or Source or God or a single Angel.
I am grateful I made it through those days and they remind me of that I am a champion. I have survived and thrived to not be able to pay the bills and live in the darkness because the power got cut off. These are the days when I racked up my credit card to pay for food to feed my children. These are the days that I am most proud of.
Just for today I am willing to be present in my pain and release my bitter anger. I have come a long way and I have a long way to go. Breath by breath and step by step I can do absolutely everything and anything. I focus on what I can do with determination, dedication and tenacity. These are the characteristics I inherit from my father. My father who was once an addict, who will always struggle with addiction, who continues to go to meetings and who reminds me of what I can do.
We both wake up this morning on the right side of the dirt. Together we can do anything.
Fear is a reaction. Courage is a choice.
Dig deep into the fear and find the false evidence appearing real. Face Everything and Rise.
